Let’s make this clear, bad jokes are still jokes and they are still the funny ones! And many of us do enjoy them as well. Even though they are lame or outdated they still make us laugh. So here are all the bad jokes that you can find and we are pretty sure that you will love to share them with your friends and family as well.
What do you call a hippie’s wife? A Mississippi!
What did the duck say when she bought a lipstick? Put it on my bill!
I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves.
What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!
Where did the computer go dancing? The disc-o!
What do bees do if they need a ride? Wait at the buzz stop!
What do you give to a sick lemon? Lemon aid!
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain? Hi Cliff!
What do you call a monkey that loves Doritos? A chipmunk!
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing!
Why are there gates around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in!
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!
Do you remember that joke I told you about my spine? It was about a weak back!
I just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
When’s the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie!
What do you call a dangerous sun shower? A rain of terror!
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’ve bagels!
What do you call a farm that makes bad jokes? Corny!
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
What streets to ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
What do you tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast!
What kind of dogs love car racing? Lap dogs!
What did Winnie the Pooh say to his agent? “Show me the honey!”
What do you call birds who stick together? Vel-crows.
Today I gave my dead batteries away. They were free of charge.
BAD JOKES IN HINDI
पति रात को कंडो* लेकर घर आया!
पत्नी: आज कौन सा फ्लेवर लाये हैं जी?
पति: सब से महंगा प्याज फ्लेवर!
पत्नी: आज लगता है रुला कर ही छोड़ोगे।
Pati raat ko Cando* lekar ghar aaya!
Patni: aaj kaun sa filevar laee hain ji?
Pati: sab se behatar pyaaj!
Patni: aaj lagata hai rula kar hee chhodoge.
लड़का: लड़कियां ज्यादा गर्म क्यों होती हैं?
लड़की: क्योंकि लड़कों के पास 2 ज़ीरो वॉट के बल्ब और एक 40 वॉट की ट्यूब होती है। जबकि लड़कियों के पास 500 वॉट के 2 बल्ब और एक 3000 वॉट का ओवन होता है।
Ladaka: ladakiyaan jyaada garm kyon hoti hain?
Ladaki: kyonki ladakon ke paas 2 zero vot ke bulb aur ek 40 vot kee tube hoti hai. jabaki ladakiyon ke paas 500 vot ke 2 bulb aur ek 3000 vot ka maalik hota hai.
रात को पति चुपके से बीवी के पास गया! बीवी बोली, “बच्चा जाग जाएगा!”
पति वापस!: फिर दोबारा गया बीवी बोली, “रहने दो बेटा जाग जायेगा!”
पति फिर वापस!: थोड़ी देर बाद पति फिर बीवी के पास गया इतने में बच्चा बोला, “ये फिर आ गया मम्मी!”
Raat ko pati chupake se bevi ke paas gaya! beevee bolee, “bachcha jaag jayge!”
Pati vaapas!: phir se bevi boli, “rahane do betd jaag jayega!”
Pati phir vaapas!: thodi der baad pati phir bevi ke paas gaya to bachcha bola, “ye phir aa ga mummy!”
स्टूडेंट(मैडम से)- महिलाओं को बच्चा कैसे होता है?
मैडम ने मासूमियत से जवाब देते हुए बोलीं- तुम बड़े हो जाओगे और शादी हो जाएगी तो रात को परी आएगी और तुम्हारी सोई हुई पत्नी के गोद में एक बच्चा सुला के चली जाएगी।
स्टूडेंट- वो हो तो वह सुहागरात का सिस्टम खत्म हो गया।
टीचर गुस्से में अब थप्पड़ दे थप्पड़…
Student (madam se) – mahilaon ko bachcha kaise hota hai?
Madam ne maasoomiyat se jawaab dete hue boli- tum badhe ho jaoge aur shaadi ho jaegyi to raat ko pari aaegi aur tumhaare soye huee patni ke god mein ek bachcha sula ke chali jagyi.
Student- vo ho to wah suhaagaraat ka system khatm ho gaya.
teacher gusse mein ab thappad de thappad …
पार्टी में सुन्दर लड़की से हंस हंस कर बातें कर रहे पति के पास पत्नी आई और बोली…..
चलिये, घर चल कर मैं आपकी चोट पे Moov लगा दूँगी।
पति : पर मुझे चोट कहाँ लगी है??
पत्नी: अभी हम घर भी कहाँ पहुंचे हैं????
Paarty mein sundar ladaki se hanss hanss kar baaten karate hue pati ke paas patni aayi aur boli… ..
chaliye, ghar chal kar main aapake chot pe mov laga dogi.
pati: par mujhe chot kahaan lagi hai ??
patni: abhi hum ghar bhi kaha pahunche hain ????
यू.पी. के एक गाँव में एक बहुत गोरी चिट्टी बहु आई।
एक बुढ़िया बोली: अरे बहु तो बहुत गोरी है।
लड़का: अरे अम्मा लंडन में रही है तो गोरी तो होगी ही।
बुढ़िया: अरे बेटे हम भी सारी उमर लंडों में ही रहे पर रंग में तो कोई फरक नहीं पड़ा।
U.P ke ek gaano mein ek bahut gori chitti bahu aayi
Ek budhiya boli: Are bahu to bahut gori hai.
Ladaka: Are amma londan rahi hai to gori to hogi he.
Budhiya: Are bete ham bhi sab umar londo mein rahe hai rang mein koi phaark nahin padha.
गूंगी अपने स्तन हिला के दिखा रही थी, गूंगा अपनी लुल्* निकालकर हिलाने लगा! बताओ क्या समझे?
गूंगी: दूध वाला कब आयेगा?
गूंगा: 1 घंटे बाद।
Goongi apane stun hila ke dikha rahi thi, goonga apani lul * niataakar hilaane laga! kya samajhe?Goongee: doodh vaala kab aayega?
Goonga: 1 ghante baad.
गुरु जी बोले, “जो घिसेगा अच्छी तरह तो महकेगा चन्दन की तरह”।
चेला बोला, “गुरू जी फिर चू* में से बदबू क्यों आती है?”
गुरू जी: इस बहन के लौ* की गां* में गरम तेल डालो। मा**चो* ध्यान भटका रहा है।
Guru ji bole, “jo ghisega achchhee tarah to mahakega chandan kee tarah”.
chela bola, “guru ji phir choo * mein se badaboo kyon aati hai?”
Guru ji : is bahan ke lau * ki gaan * mein garam tel daalana. ma ** cho * dhyaan bhaat raha hai.
सुहागरात के बाद की सुबह:
सास: बहु नहाने जा रही हो ना?
बहु (गुस्से से): नहीं, सिर्फ चु*ड धोने जा रही हूँ, बाकी सब तो तुम्हारे लाडले ने चाट लिया है।
Suhaagaraat ke baad kee subah:Saas: bahu nahne ja rahi hai na?
Bahu (ugr se): nahin, sirf chup * da dhone ja raha hoon, baaki sab to tumhaare laadale ne chaat liya hai.
एक लङका, लङकी को चो* रहा था कि अचानक लङकी बोली, “मुझे एड्स है।”
लङका: मरवा दिया बहन की लौ*।
लङकी: मजाक कर रही थी, दर्द हो रहा था तो तेरा लौ* छोटा करने के लिए बोल दिया।
Ek ladka , ladaki ko cho * raha tha ki achaanak ladki boli ki , “mujhe eds hai.”
Ladaka: marava diya bahan kee lau *.
Ladki: majaak kar rahi thi, dard ho raha tha to tera lan* chhota karane ke lie bol diya.
BAD JOKES FOR ADULTS
1.What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
2. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.
3. Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering a minor.
4. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
5. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
He only comes once a year.
6. What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.
7. What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.
8. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!
9. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife died.
10. What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?
There are twenty of them.
11. What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
12. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
13. What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.
14. What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
15. What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.
16. What’s the best part about gardening?
Getting down and dirty with your hoes.
17. How is a girlfriend like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you.
18. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick?
19. Why do vegetarians give good head?
Beause they’re used to eating nuts.
20. What’s long and hard and full of semen?
21. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years, your job will still suck.
22. Why do walruses love a tupperware party?
They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.
23. What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?
Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.
24. Why did God give men penises?
So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.
25. What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?
Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.
26. What did the penis say to the vagina?
Don’t make me come in there!
27. What do a woman and a bar have in common?
Liquor in the front, poker in the back.
28. What’s another name for a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.
29. What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.
30. What do you call two jalapeños getting it on?
31. How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Call and tell her about it.
32. What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check?
Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.
33. How is life like a penis?
Your girlfriend makes it hard.
34. Why do women have orgasms?
Just another reason to moan, really.
35. What do you call a guy with a small dick?
36. What do you call a guy with a giant dick?
37. What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?
A private tutor.
38. What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed?
A cherry float.
39. Know what a 6.9 is?
Another good thing screwed up by a period.
40. How is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.
41. What do boobs and toys have in common?
They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.
42. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin’ off.
43. What did the O say to the Q?
Dude, your dick’s hanging out.
44. What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?
A trip without kids.
45. What did the sanitary napkin say to the fart?
You are the wind beneath my wings.
46. What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
47. How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.
48. How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
49. How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.
50. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.
BAD JOKES IN ENGLISH
What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!
What’s better than Ted Danson?
Ted singing and Danson!
What did the the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two!
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
What does a nosey pepper do?
It gets jalapeño business!
Read more: 100 of the funniest ever jokes and best one-liners
What does a baby computer call his father?
What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A gummy bear!
Why did the golfer change his pants?
Because he got a hole in one!
Does anyone need an ark?
I Noah guy!
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is.”
BAD JOKES FOR FRIENDS
If you hurt my best friend, I can make your death look like an accident.
Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean… But the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.
Good friends don’t let you do stupid things …alone.
Friends buy you lunch. Best friends eat your lunch.
You think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.
You call me your best friend, but where were you when my selfie only had four likes?
You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. But it helps.
If you have friends as weird as you, then you have everything.
There is nothing better than a friend …unless it’s a friend with chocolate.
A good friend can finish your sentences… a best friend will do the same, but make it sound 10 times dirtier
Only real friends tell you when your face is dirty.
Friends pick us up when we fall, and if they can’t pick us up, they lie down and listen for a while.
If I have to clean my house before you come over, then we’re not real friends.
We’ll be friends forever because you already know too much.
We’ll be friends til we’re old and senile… Then we’ll be new friends.
Real friendship is when your friend comes over to your house and then you both just take a nap.
I love that our effortless friendship fits perfectly with my laziness.
I don’t need a psychiatrist to prod into my personal life and make me tell them all my secrets, I have my friends for that.
Best friends don’t care if your house is clean. They care if you have wine.
Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.
Friends comfort you with comforting words. Best friends comfort you with comforting words too, but with sarcasm.
Friends are always with you whether they are imaginary are real.
A friend is like a book: you don’t need to read all of them, just pick the best ones.
True friendship: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
My best friends and I played a game of hiding and seek. It went on for hours.
Well, good friends are hard to find.
What is a meaning of a true friend?
One who remembers your birthday but not your age!
Why can’t you be friends with a squirrel?
They drive everyone nuts.
Why did the zombie ignore all his Facebook friends?
He was still digesting all of his followers on Twitter!
Why did the Owl invite his friends over?
He didn’t want to be Owl by himself.
My friend helped me through a really hard time.
She was my rock.
My friend lives by a cliff.
He’s always telling me to drop over.
Why do trees have so many friends?
They branch out.
We’ve been friend for five years.
Goes onion and on.
My best friend?
We’re mint to be.
Why did the noble gas cry?
Because all his friends Argon.
What do you call a skeleton with no friends?
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.” Unknown