Funny One Liners
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they open their mouths.”
“I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.”
“I don’t have a beer gut. I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.”
“I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.'”
“Money talks. But all mine ever says is goodbye.”
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
“Life’s like a bird. It’s pretty cute until it poops on your head.”
“I’m skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. That’s a bit of a stretch.”
“I don’t have a girlfriend. But I know a girl that would get really mad if she heard me say that.”
“A computer once beat me at chess. But it was no match for me at kickboxing.”
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
“Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish, and you saved yourself a fish, haven’t you?”
“We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?”
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”
My first experience with culture shock? Probably when I peed on an electric fence.”
“Worrying works! More than 90 percent of the things I worry about never happen.”
“I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.”
“Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal!”
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. The problem is no one runs in your family.”
“You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.”
“Letting go of a loved one can be hard. But sometimes, it’s the only way to survive a rock climbing catastrophe.”
“A positive attitude may not solve all your problems. But it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.”
“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.”
“Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.”
“Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.”
“Isn’t it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.”
“I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.”
“Women should not have children after 35. Really, 35 children are enough.”
Funny One Liners Dirty
If a professional piano player is pianist, is a professional race car driver racist? And what about people who make rap music?
I’m emotionally constipated. I haven’t given a shit in days.
What is the difference between “ooooooh”and “aaaaaaah”? About three inches.
Why men’s voice is louder than women? Men have an antenna.
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, “Please send me a sister.” Santa Clause wrote him back, “Ok, send me your mother.”
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong …
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she’s a slut, but if a man does it… He’s gay, definitely gay.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? “How do you breathe through that tiny thing?”
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are… you have small boobs.
At the Gym last week I found a tiny hole in one of my trainers. Just small enough to fit a finger in. However.. I was reported and now banned for life.
One Liners On Life
The secret to life is to love who you are – warts and all. David DeNotaris
Today my kitchen is “family central.” Life happens there. Jeff Henderson, Chef Jeff Cooks
Look for opportunities in every change in your life. Meir Liraz, How to Improve Your Leadership and Management Skills
The light heart lives long. Irish Proverb
The story of life is quicker than the wink of an eye. Jimi Hendrix
One line that holds much wisdom! The older you get the truer this quote is. You turn around and years seem to have gone by in a blink of a day.
Life really does begin at forty. Up until then, you are just doing research. Carl Gustav Jung
Life is a question and how we live it is our answer. Gary Keller
Accept life as it is. Then work to make it the way you want it to be. Cindy Francis
Parenting is a lifetime assignment. Ken Robinson, You, Your Child, and School
Life is accepting what is and working from that. Gloria Naylor
Life is a long lesson in humility. J.M. Barrie
Persist while others are quitting. William Arthur Ward
Persistence in life will take you further. Don’t be that person who quits at the first obstacle, find a way around it. Have determination, be persistence, open your mind and if you can’t find a way around it, then go over it, under it, just find a way – that is being persistent!
Where there is love there is life Gandhi
….the best teachers educate young people for life, not school. Ira Socol, Timeless Learning
Think of the teachers in your life who made a difference. You will find that it is not the subject they taught you but the attitudes and teachings on life that made the difference!
Mornings contain the secret to an extraordinarily successful life. Hal Elrod, The Miracle Morning for Addiction Recovery
Morning the time of day when you are able to accomplish so much more as the rest of the world sleeps!
One Liners For Girls
Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
You may fall from the sky, you may fall from a tree, but the best way to fall… is in love with me.
If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I’d have a galaxy in my hand.
Now what’s on the menu? Me-n-u
I’m sorry I wasn’t part of your past, can I make it up by being in your future?
I’m no photographer, but I can picture us together.
Excuse me? Do you work at Little Ceasars? Cuz Ur Hot And I’m Ready.
“Excuse me miss, can I have the time? I’d check my watch but I can’t take my eyes off you.”
Are you a singularity? Not only are you attractive, but the closer I get to you, the faster time seems to slip by.
I need more than 140 characters to tell you how beautiful you are.
One Liners For Friends
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
Occasionally, a true friend gives his paw not his hand…
A friend is like a book: you don’t need to read all of them, just pick the best ones.
Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much more for them.
Want to dance? Or should I go to hell again?
Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant.
Let me make this simple, I want to be invited but I don’t want to go.
My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.
The difference between “Girlfriend” and “Girl Friend” is that little space in between we call the “Friend Zone”.
If you had friends like mine, you’d be the luckiest guy in the world!
One Liners Jokes
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory: all I did was take a day off!
Money talks: mine always says is goodbye.
I went to see the doctor about my short-term memory problems — the first thing he did was make me pay in advance.
You have two parts of the brain, “left” and “right” — in the left side, there’s nothing right and in the right side, there’s nothing left.
Why do bees hum? They don’t remember the lyrics!
I have a dog to provide me with unconditional love but I also have a cat to remind me that I don’t deserve it: it’s all about balance.
Don’t spell part backwards. It’s a trap.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that just came out of your mouth?
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything.
Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
One Liners Funny
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they open their mouths.”
“I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.”
“I don’t have a beer gut. I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.”
“I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.'”
“Money talks. But all mine ever says is goodbye.”
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
“Life’s like a bird. It’s pretty cute until it poops on your head.”
“I’m skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. That’s a bit of a stretch.”
“I don’t have a girlfriend. But I know a girl that would get really mad if she heard me say that.”
“A computer once beat me at chess. But it was no match for me at kickboxing.”
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
“Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish, and you saved yourself a fish, haven’t you?”
“We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?”
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”
One Liners In Hindi
हर फैसले नहीं होते, सिक्के उछाल कर; ये दिल के मामले हैं, जरा संभल कर!
ना तंग कर मुझे, जीने दे ऐ जिन्दगी; तेरी कसम मैं तेरे आगे हार गया.
यादें क्यों नहीं बिछड़ जाती, लोग तो पल में बिछड़ जाते हैं।
बुरी आदतें को अगर वक़्त पर ना बदला जाए, तो वो आदतें एक दिन आपका वक़्त बदल देती हैं.
हल्की-सी हो चुकी है नाजुक पलकें मेरी, मुद्दतों बाद इन नजरों से गिरा है कोई!
ज्यादा कुछ नहीं बदला उम्र बढ़ने के साथ, बस बचपन की ज़िद अब समझौतों में बदल जाती है।
कुछ चीजें रोने से नहीं बल्कि सब्र करने से मिलती हैं।
इंसान तो हर घर में पैदा होता है पर इंसानियत कहीं-कहीं पैदा होती है।
लफ्ज़ बीमार से पड़ गए हैं आज कल, एक खुराक चाहिए तेरे दीदार की.
नाज़ुक लगते थे हमें जो हसीं लोग, वास्ता पड़ा तो वे पत्थर के निकले।
ना जाने हम कौन से गुनाह कर बैठे हैं, जो तमन्नाओं की उम्र में तज़ुर्बे मिल रहे हैं।
जरुरतें तोड देती है इन्सान के घमंड को, न होती मजबुरी तो हर इंसान खुदा होता!
खाली जेब, भूखा पेट और झूठा प्रेम – ये सब इंसान को जीवन में बहुत कुछ सिखा जाती हैं.
तेरी याद से ही शुरू होती है मेरी हर सुबह।
घाव तो बहुत हैं बिना दाग के, जो घाव दिल पर हो उसका दाग कैसा?
हम समंदर हैं, हमें खामोश ही रहने दो; ज़रा मचल गए, तो पुरे शहर को ले डूबेंगे.
मंजिल चाहे कितनी भी ऊँची क्यों न हो दोस्तों! रास्ते हमेशा पैरों के नीचे होते हैं!
अपने वजूद पर इतना मत इतरा ए ज़िन्दगी! वो मौत है जो तुझे जीने की मोहलत देती जा रही है!
हज़ारों बार ली है तुमने तलाशी मेरे इस दिल की, बताओ कभी कुछ मिला है इसमें प्यार के सिवा।
One Liners Quotes
All sufferings come from false pride.
An unjust law is no law at all.
The more a man judges, the less he loves.
Love is the most dangerous thing in the world.
Before anything else, preparation is the key to success.
The mind is the reality. You are what you think.
War is a crime which involves all other crimes.
Love is energy of life.
If you can’t do what you want, do what you can.
The only true wisdom is knowing that you know nothing.
When (you) dress up as a dog, be prepared to bark
Even elephants do slip.
Silent gratitude isn\’t much use to anyone.
True will is wishing backed by power.
Nothing will work unless you do.