ENGLISH JOKES
1. Jokes with puns
A pun is a “play on words”, so this type of joke plays with different meanings of a word, or is based on words which sound the same – but which have a different meaning.Here’s an example of words that sound the same.
“I went to the zoo the other day. There was only a dog in it – it was a shihtzu.”
Explanation: A shihtzu is a type of dog. But when you say “shihtzu” it sounds like “sh*t zoo”, meaning “a terrible zoo”.
(By the way, this joke is also an example of a “one-liner” – a joke in just one sentence.)
Here’s another example of different meanings of a word.
“Two aerials get married. The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant.”
Explanation: Reception can mean the party after the wedding, OR the signal on your TV or phone
2. “A man walks into a bar” joke
A lot of jokes start with this sentence. Then the joke continues with a little story about a man in a bar. But, a bar is also a hard piece of wood or metal, so you also get jokes like this:Example 1
A man walks into a bar.
Ouch!Explanation: “Ouch” is what we say when we hurt ourselves.
Example 2
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.Explanation: If you are dyslexic, you have difficulty with letters. Instead of b-a-r, the word is b-r-a (which means women’s underwear.)
3. Mother-in-law jokes
Men often tell these jokes, and they’re also considered a little sexist and old-fashioned. Here’s an example:“My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed – I never knew they worked.”
Explanation: A wishing well is a well (place where you can lower a bucket to bring up water) where you can make a wish – and it happens.
4. Cultural jokes
These are based on shared cultural knowledge, which makes them hard to understand. Here’s an example:Doctor, I can’t stop singing The Green Green Grass of Home.
He says “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”
“Is it common?” I asked.
“It’s not unusual” he replied.Explanation: “It’s not unusual” is a famous song by Tom Jones.
5. Doctor jokes
A “doctor” joke is a joke based on an imaginary situation when a patient explains a problem to the doctor. Here’s an example:Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.
6. Lightbulb jokes
These always start “How many (type of person) does it take to change a lightbulb?” Here’s my all-time favourite:“How many members of the Socialist Workers’ Party does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“About a million. One out, all out.”Explanation: “One out, all out” was a slogan used by the Socialist Workers’ Party to get everyone to “come out” on strike / take industrial action.
When we say a lightbulb is out, we mean it no longer works.
7. Three… jokes
Jokes are often told as little stories, where there are three types of people. A typical example is “An Englishman, A Scottish man and a Welshman …” Often it’s an Irishman instead of Welshman. These jokes are often negative about the stereotypes of these three countries. But here’s an alternative:A Doberman, a Golden Retriever and a cat died and met God. God said to them, “Tell me why I should let you into heaven.”
The Doberman said, “I’ll protect you with my life.”
God said, “You can sit at my right side.”
The Golden Retriever said, “I will fetch your slippers and anything else you ask me to.”
God said, “Then you can sit at my left side.”
Finally, God looked at the cat and said, “And what will you do?”
The cat said, “Excuse me. I think you’re sitting in my seat.”Explanation: If you’re a cat owner, you don’t need an explanation for this joke!
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says “Ugh – that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”
The woman walks to the back of the bus and sits down.
She says to the man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on. I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
ENGLISH JOKES FUNNY
Doctor To A Rich Man: “Do You Prefer A Local Anesthesia?” Rich Man: “Nop, I Would Rather Prefer An Imported One”
We Know 10 Facts About You: Fact 1: You Are Reading This. Fact 2: You Can’t Say The Letter ‘M’ Without Touching Your Lips. Fact 3: You Just T
Reality Of Human Society Cigarettes, Lighters, And Matchboxes, Have Connected More People Than “Nokia” Has.
Full Joke Englisheacher: “What Is Your Name?” Student: “My Name Is Beautiful Red Underwear” Teacher: “What Kind Of A Name Is This? Dont Joke, Tell Me The Right
Before Exam Boy To His Girl-Friend Boy: “Hey, All The Best” Girl-Friend: “All The Best To You Too” But Girl Scored 80 Marks And Boy Failed.
Men Are Like Bluetooth… Always Connected When Wife Is Around… The Moment Wife Is Away… They Automatically Starts Searching For New Devi
LEVIS Is Launching New Xtreme Low Waist Jeans, And Named As The ABCD Jeans, Which Means Arey Baapre Chaddi Dikhti Hai.
Heights Of Insult By A Grammar Freak Girl. Girl To Boy: “You Are As Useless As Ay In Okay”
Could You Give Me Your Mail Id?
A Teenage Girl Was Chatting On Facebook. Stranger: “Hey Pretty! Could You Give Me Your Mail Id?” Girl: “Oh Sure, Its IHaveABoyfriend_andiLoveHim
There Are Basically 7 Types Of Girls… 1. Hard Disk Girls: Remember Everything Forever. 2. Ram Girls: Forgets About You The Moment You Turn Her
ENGLISH JOKES FOR KIDS
Jokes about ghouls, ghosts and other gross stuff
Q: Why did the superhero flush the toilet?
A: Because it was his doody.
Q: How do you get a tissue to dance?
A: You put a little boogie into it.
Q: What did one toilet say to the other?
A: You look a bit flushed!
Q: Who did the zombie take to the prom?
A: His ghoul-friend!
Q: What is big, green and plays a lot of tricks?
A: Prank-enstein!
Q: Why did the ghost blow his nose?
A: Because it was full of booo-gers!
Jokes about animals
Q: What does a spider’s bride wear?
A: A webbing dress.
Q: Where do cows go for entertainment?
A: The mooooo-vies!
Q: What did one firefly say to the other?
A: You glow, girl!
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves to sleep?
A: A stega-snore-us.
Q: Why couldn’t the pony sing?
A: Because she was a little hoarse.
Q: What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?
A: A spelling bee.
Q: Where does the chicken like to eat?
A: At a rooster-ant!
Jokes about foodQ: Where do you learn to make banana splits?
A: At sundae school.
Q: Why did the melon jump into the lake?
A: It wanted to be a water-melon.
Q: Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
A: It was feeling crumb-y.
Q: Why did the banana go to the hospital?
A: He was peeling really bad.
Q: Where do hamburgers go to dance?
A: They go to the meat-ball.
Jokes about nature
Q: How does the ocean say hello?
A: It waves.
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone!
Q: What’s the worst thing about throwing a party in space?
A: You have to planet.
Q: How do you know when the moon has had enough to eat?
A: When it’s full!
Jokes about peopleQ: Why did the policeman go to the baseball game?
A: He’d heard that someone had stolen a base!
Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case he got a hole in one.
Q: What kind of shoes do all spies wear?
A: Sneak-ers.
Q: What do you call two guys hanging on a curtain?
A: Kurt and Rod!
Jokes about school
Q: Why was the math book sad?
A: Because it had so many problems.
Q: What’s a snake’s favorite subject?
A: Hisstory.
Q: Why did the student eat his homework?
A: Because his teacher told him it was a piece of cake!
Q: What time would it be if Godzilla came to school?
A: Time to run!
Q: Why did the dog do so well in school?
A: Because he was the teacher’s pet!
Q: Why did the egg get thrown out of class?
A: Because he kept telling yolks!
Jokes about objects
Q: What did one penny say to another penny?
A: We make cents.
Q: Why was the belt arrested?
A: It was holding up some pants!
Q: Why did the computer go to the doctor?
A: It had a virus.
Q: What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?
A: A tube-a toothpaste.
Q: What did one eye say to the other?
A: Don’t look now, but something between us smells.
Easy riddles for kids
Q: What are the strongest days of the week?
A: Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weak days.
Q: What animal can you always find at a baseball game?
A: A bat!
Q: What can you catch, but never throw?
A: A cold!
Q: Which letter of the alphabet has the most water?
A: The “C”!
Q: What gets wet while it’s drying?
A: A towel!
Q: Why can’t your head be 12 inches long?
A: Because then it would be a foot!
ENGLISH JOKES STUDENTS
Exam Hall Joke
sir : if any dought ask me
student : sir, in question paper question is there but in answer paper no answer is there
Teacher: Suppose, you have a box which contains a 10 foot snake…
Student: But Sir, snakes don’t have feet.
Silly Student
Teacher: Tell me a way to prevent a disease which is caused by biting insects.
Student: Don’t get bitten by them.
Clever Students
Jon and Ron are brothers. Their teacher told them to write an essay about Dog. After checking the essays the teacher said,
‘Why both the essays are the same?’
Ron: Sir, our pet dog is same.
Laugh Out Loud Joke
Teacher: Suppose, you have offered money and knowledge. You have to take one of them. Which one you should choose?
Student: Money.
Teacher: I would have taken knowledge. But why do you take money?
Student: I have the lack of money that’s why. You have the lack of knowledge. That’s why
Teacher: I think you are chewing gum.
John: No Sir, I am John Smith.
Clever Student Joke
Teacher: Tom! I know you are bad at spelling. That’s why I told you to write down this sentence 10 times. Why did you write only 4 times?
Tom: Sir, I am bad at math too.
Funny Student Joke
Teacher: Tell me an example of a creature which can live on water as well as the land.
Student: Frog.
Teacher: Another example.
Student: Another frog.
Funny Teacher Student Joke
Teacher: Which one is closer, Sun or Australia?
Student: Sun
Teacher: Why?
Student: We can see the sun all the time, but can’t see Australia.
Comedy Joke
Teacher: Robin, I always see that when I start teaching in the class, you always talk with your friends.
Robin: But Sir, I don’t talk when I sleep.
Teacher Student Joke
Teacher is explaining to the student,
‘if you see someone sinking in the water, you should pull his hair to save him from the water. It will be easy for you.’
Student: but sir, if it happens to you, we shouldn’t help you.
Teacher: why?
Student: because you don’t have any hair.
College Joke
Teacher: You are late today Mike.
Mike: Sir, I obeyed a sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Mike: COLLEGE AHEAD, DRIVE SLOW.
Teacher Student PJ
Math teacher: Tell me Jenny, if a milkman mixes 2 litres water and 1 liter milk, he will get 3 litres. What will happen if he mixes 6 litres of water and 3 litres milk?
Jenny: I am not a milkman, how can I solve it?
Student Timing Joke
Teacher: Suppose, you have 4 coins in your pocket and there is a hole in the pocket. All the four coins fall down from that hole. What will you have in your pocket?
Student: A hole.
Innocent Kid Student Joke
A new student came to the class. After asking his name the teacher said,
‘What does your father do?’
Student: Whatever Mom says.
Laugh Out Loud Joke
Teacher: Sir, why doctors wear a mask when they do an operation?
Student: For safety. If the patient dies, others can’t find out who did the operation.
Funny Teacher Student Joke
Teacher: Gwen, come here and point out Africa from this globe.
Gwen: here
Teacher: Correct! John, who discovered Africa?
Class: Gwen!!
Teacher Student Exam Shop
Ben got 100 out of 100 in the exam. So the teacher gave him a gift and said,
I hope you will do the same in the next exam.’
Ben: Thank you Sir. I hope you will also print the question paper from my uncle’s printing shop next time.
Student School Joke
Teacher: You promised me to submit me a paragraph, right?
Student: Yes Sir.
Teacher: And I also promised that if you fail to submit it, I will punish you, right?
Student: Yes Sir, so it will be fair if you break your promise too.
Maths Mother Joke
Teacher: Suppose, you have 2$. You asked your mother for one more. How many would you have then?
Student: 2$
Teacher: Why?
Student: Because my mother won’t give me any.
Funny Teacher Joke
After answering correct, the teacher said, ‘Smith, tell me an important incident which never happened before within ten years’.
Smith: I answered correct today.
Maths Joke
Teacher: If your father and mother both give you 50$, what you will get?
Student: A new video game.
